The R & R Newsletter: When Feedback Tries to Shrink You

SEEN & NAMED

Feedback doesn’t knock politely. It crashes in, often when you least expect it. Over the years, I received endless comments about my research, teaching, and service. Some were helpful; others felt like pressure to become someone else. I’d replay them on the drive home, defending myself in my head, wondering if I was truly seen at all.

Feedback cuts deeper when you already stand apart. To be the only one, or one of a few, in the room means difference is always on display. Then critique can feel less like a tool for growth and more like a reminder that you don’t quite fit.

That sting leaves you in a gap; you’ve grown, but you’re not yet where you want to be. It’s a shaky middle, a bridge you didn’t think you needed to cross. And yet, it’s the only passage forward.

The cost isn’t just the hurt. It’s the time lost circling, replaying the comment, drafting the perfect defense, questioning the giver. For many of us, that delay is costly, as the clock continues to tick while we strive to meet our next career milestone.

Once the sting settles, you enter the neutral zone: the uncomfortable middle where clarity blurs and only your next move is in your hands.

You have a choice to make: stay ruminating or start improving.

SHIFT POINT

But two reflexes often steal that window:

• Anger fuels strain. You sprint to try to prove them wrong.

• Resentment fuels cynicism. You withdraw until contempt builds.

Both carry the same cost: time wasted, trust eroded, growth stalled, and possibly a job on the line. It’s essential to recognize that cynicism and anger can be significant inhibitors, altering the way you show up on the job and undermining your leadership.

One way out? Curiosity.

TOOLS & PRACTICE

When a cynical thought arises, consider trying to turn it around. Here’s what I mean:

• Cynical thought → They don’t know enough to see me clearly.

• Curiosity flip → What are they noticing that I’ve grown blind to?

• Strain reflex → I’ll push harder and prove them wrong.

• Curiosity flip → What part of this critique, if tested quickly, might actually save me wasted effort?

Every flip is a plank in the bridge. Step by step, you move from reaction to responsiveness.

YOUR IDENTITY RETURN

Feedback doesn’t prove you’re unworthy; it proves you’re still becoming.

Setbacks do not define you. Rather, you are defined by how quickly you turn them into strength.

And that strength? It’s already in you.